Tips for staying on a writer's good side

I'm cursed with a bit of a temper. But, as I near the end of my fifth decade of life, I can say that I've gotten a pretty good handle on rage. Things that used to get the best of me are now just shoved into a box in my closet marked "raw material."

This is why I love being a writer. I can take all the anger and any resentment that finds me along the road of life and redirect it at the fruits of my imagination: my fictional characters. I can turn a holier-than-thou hypocrite into a porn addict. I can get a spoiled housewife looped on painkillers. A macho bully? He gets a wee little penis. They don't say the pen is mightier than the sword for nothing, folks.

Fear not, dear readers. Blog fans are exempt from this type of wrath. Promise. But, in case you know any other writers and aren't quite sure where you stand with their pens, I thought I'd pass along a few friendly tips on how to stay on a writer's good side. It's free advice, so, take it for what it's worth:

1. Get past the fact that everything you say or do is being secretly recorded.

2. Stop urging your writer friend to send his book to Oprah. Offer him a lottery ticket instead; the odds are better.

3. Resist the urge to look over a writer's shoulder as he works. He may be packing heat.

4. Offer copious amounts of alcohol: wine, scotch, anything but beer. All those trips to the john will destroy his pacing.

5. Don't use the word "writer" in the same sentence with the following names: Al Franken, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Joy Behar or Judge Judy. Never mind whose face graces the end cap at Barnes & Nobles!

6. Buy literature and read it. (See item No. 5, not literature, folks.)

7. Don't assume writers are confident about their work. (See item No. 4)

8. Don't call on a writer before 9 a.m., unless you have brewed coffee in hand.

9. Never, ever ask: How is the book going?